Lucky in Love

"You continue to be lucky in love."

I found this sentiment printed under a bottle cap a couple years ago and found it so humorous I made a refrigerator magnet out of it. I had not, to that point in my life, found anything in my experiences to consider there was any veracity in the statement. One of my closest and wisest friends however, presented me with a new viewpoint. She suggested that perhaps the "luck" is in learning what I do not want in a relationship and in learning how different personalities can either complement the relationship or cause conflict in it. Whilst in the throes of heartache, I cannot see any "luck", or at least, if I can it is an intellectual assessment which doesn't jibe well with heightened emotions. I don't feel lucky; I feel hurt, even when I can see where I fell short myself. Even once past the could've-should'ves I can truthfully assign responsibility to my unrequited love, it takes time and effort to sustain a comforting knowledge of why continuing the relationship would likely have brought us both misery. 

I mean no disparagement towards anyone I ever dated or with whom I discussed the possibility of "more than friendship". Each of them is wise and kind woman, fun to be with, talented and creative, giving and possessing of a tremendous capacity for love, even if sometimes she didn't see those traits in herself. Yet somehow, we just didn't mesh. It wasn't because she didn't try or I didn't try or one of us was afraid of committment or playing mind games, etc etc. -- all those things other people guess at when they see a friend's relationship end. People chose sides when someone's relationship goes south. It isn't about sides, and it doesn't help. I don't say much when a relationship doesn't work out the way I wanted it to, and I am careful who I say it to when I do, because I don't like people I care for being dissed; I don't want to explain what I feel should be obvious, not to mention fair: that there's nothing "wrong" with her -- or me. So I only trust certain people with my pain, people I know will respect the pain, me, and the unintentional source of my pain.

I do not care for the expressions "he/she broke her/his/my heart." I much prefer "my heart was broken." To say that someone broke it implies deliberation. While within the realm of possibility, I do not believe many people wake up one morning thinking, "I think today I am going to maliciously toy with someone's heart, and I think I will pick... um... him!" Even if they did, chances are good they play such games because of some deep inner pain I cannot touch or comprehend. Such need my compassion, not my anger or scorn. It behooves me to give them that compassion from a safe distance, but compassion and tolerance and my prayers are what they need, not similar treatment. I realize there are people in the world who actually do selfishly use and abuse others and don't care who they hurt. But most people want happiness, for themselves and others, even when on the receiving end of hurt. 

I believe any relationship can work out given time and equal commitment by both parties. But because people are different and process their worlds differently and express and receive love differently, some of those relationships will require a whole lot more work than others, and some will be more naturally easily happier than others. I love fairy tales. I love Hallmark Hall of Fame movies. But I don't believe they accurately portray life. Happiness doesn't stick around after a single kiss or the slaying of one mere dragon. There will always be misunderstandings and the need for adjustments and the need for not just honest, but continual constant communication. Dragons will return. Vows of commitment need constant renewing with a realization and acceptance that not everyone operates at the same pace you do.

It's unrealistic and unfair to expect your prince or princess to come around to your perceived superior understanding and on your chosen time table. Nobody likes it when other people try to think for us, even if we're not certain what we should be thinking. Nobody likes to be told they made the wrong decision or to hear speculation as to why we made that wrong decision. Or worse, that we're not in sync with the Lord on that decision.

Yet, how often do we make these hurtful judgements when we are ourselves hurting?

I don't know how "lucky" I am that relationships I wanted didn't work out. I do know how much I learned about myself when they didn't, and I count that as luck -- or more accurately, blessing. Likewise I feel fortunate for the times when I wasn't looking for a relationship, and wasn't certain that the opportunity presenting itself was a good opportunity, but at my own snail's pace I gave it honest consideration. I count that as blessing -- "luck" if you will -- for what I learned about myself then, too.

So maybe there's something to that bottle cap, after all.